OK, so after sitting with the feedback from my writer’s group and pushing through my resistance to again work on an old story, I was able to put together a better version of the story I had posted last week. Basically, here was the key feedback:
1) Oliver should get permission from the stars to light them up. He shouldn’t just do it on his own without asking them first. That sounds a little…intrusive.
2) Star Command shouldn’t tell Oliver that he only needs to light up three stars before the other stars realize they can light themselves up on their own. That should just come out in the story.
And 3) we should know more about what Oliver thinks about this mission…is he excited? Worried? Freaked out?
So here is the current version. I’d still welcome feedback! Email me at jasonpdolan@gmail.com.
The Star Lighter
Oliver is a star lighter, fresh from the famous Star Lighters Academy. And just like all of his fellow lighters, Oliver’s mission is to fly across the universe in search of stars whose light has dimmed.
(Illustration note: Oliver receives a call while flying his space jet)
“Oliver,” said star command, “we need your help. All of the stars in the Milky Way Galaxy are beginning to go dark. I know this is your first mission, but you are the closest lighter to the galaxy and we must act quickly or else every star could go dark in just a few hours. You must find a way to reignite the stars and illuminate the sky.”
“Star command, Oliver here. I’m on the case.” (Illustration note: Oliver's eyes bulge and he stares into space like a deer in headlights.)
“Thank you, Oliver. And good luck.”
“Oh no,” said Oliver. “What have I gotten myself into? Save the Milky Way Galaxy? Alone?! In a matter of hours?!!! How???”
(Illustration note: Oliver arrives in the Milky Way Galaxy)
“Uh, hello,” Oliver said to a star that was nearly as black as the sky. “My name is Oliver and I’m here to light your fire!”
“Hi, Oliver. I’m Canis Majoris.”
“Canis…aren’t you the largest star in the whole galaxy?”
“Thanks a lot for reminding me, Oliver. Nobody wants to see my plump celestial body illuminated in the sky. Please, just let the darkness wash over me and protect me from the universe.”
“Well, I think you have a heavenly body, Canis! The bigger you are, the brighter you shine. I bet all of the other stars would love to see you light up the sky.”
“You really think so?”
“Oh, I know I would!” said a star to the right, as it winked at Canis. “You are far too beautiful to hide in the darkness.”
(Illustration note: Canis grins and turns beat red with embarrassment)
“OK, Oliver. Go ahead.”
(Illustration note: Oliver lights Canis with the flame from his torch. Just then, a dark shooting star flies past Oliver on its way to a neighboring galaxy.)
“Wait!!!” yelled Oliver as he chased after the shooting star. “What’s your name?!”
“I’m not important enough for a name!” it yelled back.
“Can I at least light your fire before you go?”
“Not yet! I have to first set a speed record around the universe and then I’ll finally be good enough for the other stars to notice me. Right now, I’m a nobody!”
“But don’t you realize you are enough already?” asked Oliver. “Just look at how fast you are. You don’t need to set a record for other stars to notice you!”
"I don't?" asked the star as it slowed down.
"Oh, hey there!" yelled a group of shooting stars. "You were flying so fast we didn't even see you! What's your name?"
"Well...,” said the star as it thought of a name. “You can call me...Essy."
"Hi, Essy! Nice to meet you! Want to join us? We're about to head over to the Andromeda Galaxy for an adventure."
"I’d love to!"
"Great! It's dark out there beyond the Milky Way, so you'll need to find some more light!"
“OK, Oliver. Go ahead," said Essy to Oliver.
(Illustration note: Oliver flies over to the Essy and lights it up. Essy’s light soars across the galaxy. The other shooting stars smile and they all make their way on their journey).
“Hi Oliver," said a timid star timid star hiding behind the moon. "I heard you talking to that shooting star, but don’t waste your time with me. I mess everything up."
"Are you the sun?!" asked Oliver in amazement.
"I was the sun, but I just can't do it anymore. The other stars tell me I do it all wrong and shine too brightly and ruin the night.”
"But the people of Earth need your light!"
"They do?"
"Yes! They need it to help them find where they are going and to keep them warm. Without you, they'll be doomed! Don’t dim your light to make the other stars feel better."
"OK, Oliver.” ((Illustration note: Oliver flies toward the sun to light its fire).
“Actually, I remember how to do this myself,” said the sun.
"Then shine proudly, light up the Earth, and show everyone what’s possible!”
(Illustration note: The sun reignites its fire. Night becomes day on earth and the other stars look on with wonder and amazement and begin shining far brighter than they had before.)
“Well done, Oliver,” said star command. “Well done. You have saved the stars of the Milky Way Galaxy.”
“Thank you, star command, but they have saved themselves. I just helped them remember how.”